Dear Ted:
I had to laugh when reading the retraction statement regarding Orlando Bloom: "Southern sources are electronically screaming at my chicken-fried ass that Mr. Bloom was 'very, very sweet' with the locals and not at all germ phobic."

Have you Googled Orlando lately? (Who doesn't want to Google Orlando?) There are hundreds of Internet sites and forums devoted to the man. Scores of women--yes, women, not just teenyboppers--all over the globe will come rushing to his defense should you besmirch his lovely name.
Elizabeth Turner
Portland, Oregon

Dear Googling Gal:
Wait till you hear what I've got to say about Orlando's bathroom habits. Hell hath no fury like a fan base shaved.