Dear Ted: Please, oh, please tell me how many lattes or Red Bulls I have to ply you with in order to bribe the following information: "Wait till you hear what I've got to say about Orlando [Bloom]'s bathroom habits." Don't make me come and paddle your chicken-fried ass. Showering you with hugs and smoochies--you know I love you more than my luggage. Helen Troyerson Green Bay, Wisconsin Dear Helen: Your what? Better be Louis Vuitton. Hmmm. Let's see here. What with all the ferocious ass kissing, I'd have to at least give you a Bloomin' hint, right? Think beyond clean. Dear Ted: In your recent Orlando Bloom item, you wrote, "Hell hath no fury like a fan base shaved." Would that be a shaved mustache or beard? Just wondering. Tori Flower Dallas Dear Tori: I am too, doll-puss, now that you asked. What are you implying?

Dear Ted:
I had to laugh when reading the retraction statement regarding Orlando Bloom: "Southern sources are electronically screaming at my chicken-fried ass that Mr. Bloom was 'very, very sweet' with the locals and not at all germ phobic."

Have you Googled Orlando lately? (Who doesn't want to Google Orlando?) There are hundreds of Internet sites and forums devoted to the man. Scores of women--yes, women, not just teenyboppers--all over the globe will come rushing to his defense should you besmirch his lovely name.
Elizabeth Turner
Portland, Oregon

Dear Googling Gal:
Wait till you hear what I've got to say about Orlando's bathroom habits. Hell hath no fury like a fan base shaved.